


The Threads that Bind Us

by LostinScribbles



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Body Horror, Cuddling, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Gen, Panic Attacks, Pre-Acceptance Virgil, Self-Harm, Swearing, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Violence, Wrote this as platonic but you're free to interpret it as romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-04
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:22:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29807643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostinScribbles/pseuds/LostinScribbles
Summary: Virgil feels he should know his place by now, as one of the Dark Sides. But the more he's being pulled towards the other side, the more his sense of belonging falters. Janus has been trying to tug on his thread, ensuring he won't lose his grip on him.Until one day... Janus panics from the unsettling fear that he'll have nothing left to hold on to.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders
Comments: 4
Kudos: 36





	1. Blind Panic

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all!  
> This fic was supposed to be a One Shot, but turned out a bit more intense and considerably longer than I expected. It's partly inspired by a headcanon of mine for Janus that I used in my longfic Prove Our Worth, and I wanted to explore it some more here. This is a heavier story than I'm used to writing, but I hope you'll enjoy it.
> 
> TW: Self-harm, violence, panic attack, slight body horror, swearing, blood (described as 'essence')
> 
> (PS Sorry for the weird spacing between sentences by the way! I tried copy-pasting the chapter in Rich Text, and now I'm not sure how to remove the spacing after each new sentence... ^^")

Why should he even try sticking with them anymore?

Once again, Virgil finds himself sulking back from another exhausting episode by the hands of those awfully chipper Light Sides. The intrusive stupidity Princey kept spouting is still echoing in his mind. Original ideas, huh? Yeah right. As if a phony like him can come up with something worthwhile, being under that misguided father figure’s thumb the whole time. They can call Virgil himself a defeatist all they want, at least he knows when to stop trying to be something he isn’t.

The door to their living room is ajar, allowing Virgil to swing it open with one hard kick. He even puts so much force into it he stumps his toes. Hissing loudly, he lets out a curse.

“Aw, did someone have a bad day?”

Just what Virgil needed, more humiliation. Remus is laying on the couch, his back stretched out across the seat cushions and his legs dangling over the couch’s arm. He got his head hanging low, his hair almost touching the floor. Even from an upside down view Virgil can see the mocking grin across Remus’s face.

“Tell me all about it,” he yawns, stretching his arms. “’Cause I’m so _fucking_ bored.” Virgil lets out a big sigh; he really doesn’t feel like reminding himself of this draining shit of a day all over again. He sits down on the floor, leaning back against the couch’s cushions with Remus dangling his face next to him.

“You wouldn’t have liked it anyway,” Virgil sighs. “Just Princey dragging me into his ‘daydream mode’."

“Ugh, _lame_!” Remus exclaims, and sits himself up straight on the couch – playfully swinging his legs over Virgil’s head as to not hit him. But of course, Remus being Remus, no more than a second passes until he changes positions and falls back down on the couch, facing his head the other way. Next thing, Virgil suddenly feels like being suffocated as two strong arms wrapping themselves around his neck and shoulder from behind.

“Ya know, this twin right here is SO much more fun to hang out with!" Leaning his chin on Virgil’s shoulder, Remus squeezes his cheek against Virgil’s as well. His moustache tickles Virgil’s nose, almost making him chuckle.

As invasive as it can be sometimes, this has always been a place he felt he belonged. No pretending, no need to prove himself. Just keep playing his role as he always has done. Find comfort in the mundane, but familiar way of living.

Though something’s started to feel off about it lately. The more he finds himself forced into a situation with the others, the more he feels something always makes him come back to them. Come back to Thomas.

Now, even in the place he used to feel most at ease, it has Virgil feeling like the odd one out.

_Don’t start freaking out about this. After all this time, I should know my place by now._

As if Remus can sense the anxiety in the room growing more intense, he releases Virgil from his hug and slaps both his hands on Virgil’s shoulders. Which miraculously helps in snapping Virgil out of it.

If only for a moment.

“C’mon! Let’s blast some MCR in my room! We haven’t done that in _ages_!”

Just as quickly though, his thoughts come rushing back in as the living room grows silent again.

As much as Virgil wants to shake all his doubts off of him, by simply screaming along to some angsty lyrics… Their scorn keeps nagging away at him. _Why does it bother him so much, they’re never gonna accept him anyway so don’t start caring about what they think._

He knows this. He’s sure he knows this, deep down. But he just wants to hear it from _him._

“Have you seen Janus around?”

Remus lets out a big sigh, his breath feeling hot as it blows along Virgil’s neck. Remus turns on his back, resting his head in his hand on the couch’s armrest and crossing his legs nonchalantly.

“Nah, been AFK all day. Figured he’d still be pissed at me for sneaking out to see Nerdy Wolverine last night.”

“He told you countless time you need to run it by _him_ first, if you wanna mess with them.”

“But what’s the fun in that? And you’re one to talk, Hot Topic!”

Virgil scoffs, blushing as he turns away from Remus’s judging gaze. Normally he’d hit a snarky remark right back at him, but… He just really needs to see Janus right now. “Guess he’ll be up in his room.” Virgil stands up from the floor, tugging his hands in his hoodie’s pockets. He can’t help but feel bad turning his back on Remus, but they’ve gone through these motions enough for Remus to know when Virgil needs space.

And he does.

“Welp,” Remus whips himself up from the couch and does another stretch. “Guess I’ll go taunt Ro with some _actually_ original ideas all by my lonesome!”

Virgil is about to tell Remus off, when he realizes he doesn’t have either the energy or concentration for it. The Prince has it coming to be roughened up a bit every once in a while, anyway.

That’ll show him.

Meanwhile, Virgil senses his mind is clouding up and his heart starts beating faster. Janus knows what to say, he always does. It’s okay to keep relying on him, right? Janus loves being the one in charge, loves the attention. He won’t mind, he claims he never does.

_And you can’t deny how much you need the reassurance right now._

Taking careful but steady steps upstairs, Virgil makes his way to Janus’s room.

* * *

_Where are they?_

Lost track of time.

Janus has been pacing around his room for what feels like hours. Turned the blankets on his bed inside out, found no leads of them anywhere on his desk either. He knew he felt something was off. He’s been feeling it for a while now. Remus and Virgil are both steadily slipping from his grip. As much as Janus has tried tugging on their threads, the others are tugging harder. Now if he can’t get a hold of them anymore, they’ll be taken away.

Those threads were instrumental. He’s always been able to conjure them up, tied around somewhere on his body. It allows Janus a sense of full control, always knowing where Remus or Virgil were or able to tell what they were thinking. As the overseer, he has to keep his eyes peeled on everything happening in their Mindspace.

It has never happened before that the threads didn’t become visible when Janus wanted them to. For minutes on end, he had been staring at himself in the mirror waiting for the threads to start materializing.

Nothing happened.

He tried breathing, pacing, clearing his head.

Nothing happened.

He couldn’t go and look for Remus or Virgil in his frenzied state, either. They wouldn’t be able to see the threads anyway. Janus would only make himself look like a fool, and damage is reputation. Before long, he was already getting short of breath and an impaired vision as the room seemed to be growing darker. Finding himself leaning on his desk and panting, some drops of sweat forming on his forehead, Janus decides to check his closet again. Aren’t there any other significant items he could hold onto? Perhaps that could trigger the threads to start appearing.

Opening and closing each of the closet drawers one by one, Janus remembers the Christmas scarfs he knitted for them and stored in the bottom drawer. Considering the effort he went through to get them made, Janus swore to himself to leave them untouched until the holidays. But if those scarfs could help him get a handle of the threads again, he has no choice but to try.

Pulling open the bottom drawer, he scans it thoroughly and ruffles his hand through it.

_Oh no._

_No, they should be here._

_Why can’t I see them anywhere?!_

Janus feels his heart beating in his neck. His hands are beginning to shake. But maybe he placed them somewhere else. Rather than worry about the scarfs, for now he should continue looking for-

_Wait, has it always been this dark in here...?_

The clothes in his drawer have gradually become one big dark mass of fabric, he can’t tell anything apart. He can’t clearly see his yellow gloves in front of his face anymore, let alone the contours of the drawers. Black fog starts clouding up his vision, which then occasionally lights up with a violently bright yellow flash. Blinding him even more.

Stumbling while sliding his hand along the contours of the dresser as best as he can manage, and then the wall, Janus attempts to make his way to the light switch. Something blocks his path. Oh right, the full-length mirror, isn’t it? Luckily he’s fairly familiar with his own room by now, even in the dark. Squinting his eyes, Janus locates the position of the mirror and shakily holds it on both sides. Let’s take one more look, chances are he is losing his mind over nothing and was simply overlooking them. The threads can’t _possibly_ just vanish forever.

Another bright flash shortly blinds him, after which it shows his full appearance staring back. In the span of the few seconds that the flash allows Janus to look, he is utterly disgusted with himself as he catches his reflection’s gaze in the mirror.

Bags under his manically twitching eyes.

His face gone pale, his mouth agape from ragged breathing.

Hunched over, trembling, as his legs barely seem able to keep him standing.

_What in the world is happening to me?_

The flash of yellow fades again, leaving Janus close to blind in pitch black darkness once more. He can’t manage to keep calm and rational. Panic has set into his being, wrecking his mind and shaking his body to its core.

He can’t lose sight of Virgil and Remus.

The threads are proof that they’ll stay connected to _him_.

If the Lights ever got hold of them, he’ll lose control.

Janus HAS to be in control.

Self-preservation is his purpose, to keep everyone where they need to be.

Monitor their movements, pulling or loosening the threads if he deems it necessary.

To protect.

He’s supposed to be watching over them closely…

“So why can’t I SEE ANYTHING?!”

Janus yells until his throat gets sore. With all remaining strength he can muster, he conjures up his four other arms. He uses one to slam the light switch, hanging on the right side of the mirror.

So bright. He has to cover his eyes.

Carefully, peeping from between his fingers, he sees his full form reflected. His four other arms spread out with all fingers clasped in a claw-like gesture. His reptilian eye shining at him like a beacon. His scales violently accentuated in their glimmering green shade.

And no threads. At least, not the ones he was expecting.

Instead, there are yellow threads tied all over his body, his neck, the wrists on his arms. He struggles to breathe. His legs are shaking so much he fears they won’t support his weight for much longer. He feels almost suffocatingly hot and humid and it makes the scales on his face and his body ache so incredibly, while the strings of yellow are close to cutting into his flesh-

Janus rips off his cape with one free hand, throwing his hat in the corner of the room with the other.

Still hot.

He can see essence dripping from his neck in the mirror now, along with scales getting loose from the threads’ friction which makes it itch and ache that much more intensely. He rips off his gloves.

And starts scratching.

Along the slowly peeled off scales on his neck, while trying with all his might to loosen the thread. In the meantime the other threads are keeping his other arms restrained tightly and he can feel them etching increasingly burning pain into his skin. And Janus feels so powerless. No matter how much he tugs and scratches, the pain won’t stop. What is this horrible sense of panic washing over him? The more he feels it rushing through his limbs, the more it feels like his limbs start having a mind of their own. At this point he just wants it to stop, but his instincts continue to make him resist.

The yellow flashes appear before his eyes again, paired with a blaring headache that begins to pierce through his head. He still can’t breathe and the aching of his scales continues. Not long until he won’t even be able to see his hands in front of his face anymore, left in complete blindness.

A final pinch of sight rests him now. Like the eye of the storm. Janus looks down at his left hand, the scales tattered and his essence dripping along the cuts from the scratching and tugging.

A tiny worm-like creature slithers underneath his skin.

* * *

“Janus? You in here?”

Having reached the door, Virgil knocks two times like they discussed. Two in case of urgency. And Janus will reach the door in two seconds. …Or that’s what Virgil thought. The other side of the door remains eerily quiet.

Janus has made his room pretty soundproof, so it’s difficult for Virgil to tell if he actually heard him. He should’ve already answered the door by now. This is unlike him. Virgil leans in to lay one ear against the door, placing both his hands on either side of it as well. He finds all his muscles tense up instantly, when he hears a shrieking yell resonating through the door and into his eardrums.

“Janus?!”

Without a second thought, Virgil grabs hold of the door handle. But no matter how often he moves it up and down, the door won’t budge. Janus does lock his room occasionally at the end of a long day, so that in and of itself isn’t out of the ordinary.

However, different from his and Remus’s room which Janus could easily unlock himself…

“What’s going on? Open the door!”

…Janus’ room is only accessible by the hands of Janus alone.

_What if he needs help and can’t get the lock off? Isn’t there any way to get it open?!_

As if the restless hopelessness is being channeled through his veins and muscles, Virgil begins spastically slamming his fist against the door.

“Hey, can you hear me?! Open up!” The room has gone quiet again. Virgil notices for a second how dry his throat is getting, the palms of his hands sweating. Maybe he should go get Remus-

Not even a single step away from the door, and another scream can be heard echoing from the other side. It hurts, not only as it pierces through Virgil’s ears but in his mind it sets off an array of blaring alarms. Janus never lets out screams like that. Or rather, he barely raises his voice at all.

Virgil isn’t granted any more time to consider the gravity of the situation, though. Along with the sound waves that resonated from within the room, the door suddenly jumps out of the lock and swings open completely. Virgil is just able to back away as the door hits the other side of the wall. He rushes into the room, momentarily blinded by a forceful ray of light from the ceiling lamp.

Upon entering, Virgil can’t even properly process what he’s seeing, hunched over in front of him.

Janus has ripped off his cape, hat, gloves. His face and hands are glistening from a combination of sweat and yellow essence. His snake side is facing Virgil, the scales peeling off his skin as more essence drips down from his cheek along his chin and soaks his clothes. His eyes are glowing yellow, terrified and animalistically fixated on his left scaled hand as he uses his right hand to intensely scratch more scales off his face and neck. Taking deep, exasperated breaths.

“Hey, what’s happening..? Are you okay?”

_Idiot, of course he’s not okay._

Janus doesn’t seem to hear him. Carefully, Virgil inches closer to him, holding his hands in front of him instinctively. He senses some sort of immensely dangerous and volatile aura oozing off him, for some reason.

In a swift movement of panic, uncharacteristically fast, Janus appears to hit his right elbow straight into the full-length mirror behind him. It shatters on impact, numerous shards clattering onto the floor. Virgil already feels the panic set in, before Janus had reached down to grab one of the shards.

“DON’T!”

As Virgil screams, he runs over to Janus immediately and grabs Janus’s right hand which is now clutching a piece of glass. So hard it cuts into his palm, more essence spilling out onto the floor.

Janus looks straight at him now. And Virgil is faced with a vicious stare, almost entirely enveloped in a yellow glow, like a predator locking eyes with his prey. It nearly immobilizes him.

“ _Don’t touch me!_ ” Janus hisses back, defiantly trying to tug his hand free from Virgil’s grip. But the more he does, the stronger Virgil holds on. If there’s one thing he’s learned from Janus in times of panic like this, is to keep determined, calm and level-headed as much as possible. Virgil’s lived through this himself; he knows what to do.

Or he should have.

Despite restraining Janus from inflicting any more harm with the shard of glass, he’s seemingly found another way. Before lunging at his hand with his teeth, Janus whispers something barely audible under his breath.

“… _need to get it out…”_

The realization only hits Virgil as yellow essence is splashed on his face, from Janus biting into his own skin.

“Stop!!” Virgil yells back, grabbing Janus’s left wrist and pulling his hand away from his mouth as far as possible. Janus spits some of his essence on the ground, his eyes pulsating and flashing intensely along with his fast-paced but shallow breaths.

_He almost appears possessed_.

Virgil thinks to himself as he dauntingly takes in the state Janus is in. Overtaken by something primal. Janus, who is usually so composed and collected and methodical, the one in control. Now he seems completely out of it. His behavior, erratic and unpredictable. Which is proven even more strongly as a snake slithers out from Janus’s left hand. Wriggling around his fingers, then his arm, shoulders. What’s worse, it’s continuously growing in length.

“Listen, you have to calm down!” Virgil desperately yells, in a vain attempt to get Janus to look at him. Instead he’s still mindlessly looking at the floor, his eyes darting around.

Until… it’s the snake who catches Virgil’s gaze. It’s grown up to a meter in length already. As the snake’s eyes widen, Janus’s turn full-on yellow. Virgil feels his heart skip a beat, as Janus makes a provocative gesture with his left hand - clearly directed at him.

The snake lunges itself straight for Virgil’s shoulder. Biting its teeth into his hoodie and piercing through his skin, Virgil instinctively fall backwards. Making him let go of Janus’s hands in the process. A burning jolt of pain rushes from his shoulder through his entire arm, and Virgil can’t help but grunt and grit his teeth. His arms begin shaking so violently, he doesn’t even find the strength to get back up.

“Janus please, get a hold of yourself!”

Janus has stood himself back up, despite his legs barely able to keep him standing still. He wriggles his left hand in all directions, turning his wrist, signing with his fingers. With every movement, the snake entraps Virgil further in its bite and lets itself grow longer and longer.

As it almost reaches Virgil’s size, he makes one final attempt to grab the snake by its neck with what little strength he has left in his arm. Yanking the animal off his shoulder, comes with another wave of pain and purple essence splatting all over his sleeve. It’s close to paralyzing him at this point; all Virgil can feel is his muscles constantly tensing up, excruciating stinges, like poison is rushing through his being. Looking at the snake in his hand, he starts noticing black clouds obscuring his vision.

_Don’t panic. Can’t afford to, not now!_

Letting out a yell, he throws the snake to the other side of the room. As it slams into the wall, it spastically jumps around until it reaches a size of over 6 meters at least. Watching its intimidating silhouette, it starts to dawn on Virgil that he won’t hold out against that beast by himself. The snake locks eyes with him again, slithering towards him.

_That’s it, I'm a goner. It's gonna kill me-!_

* * *

“The _FUCK_ is going on here?!”

Seems this is what they call, ‘saved by the bell’.

Storming through Janus’s door standing right open, Remus is able to smack the snake’s head with his Morningstar just before it closes its mouth on Virgil. Disoriented, the creature flees backwards in the corner and shakes its head erratically. Remus turns around to check on Virgil, while still panting from adrenaline.

“Remus! I-I don’t know, Janus is freaking out and then this snake appeared and it kept growing and-”

Glancing over to his right, even Remus is startled as he watches the freaky possessed-like state of Janus. 

“Jan?”

He’s looking back at Remus with eyes as bright as flashlights, wriggling his scale-y hand around like an Earthbender or something. Though he doesn’t seem to register Remus’s entrance at all.

_Unresponsive, huh? That’s not a good sign._

A loud snarl echoes from the corner of the room; seems like the snake is ready to charge. Remus takes a firmer grip of his Morningstar, stepping one foot in front of the other to brace himself.

“Bring it, _sssssissy_!”

With the snake lunging itself at him, Remus rejoices in experiencing the good ol’ feeling of an unbridled fighting spirit. It’s been a while since he got to smash anything. One clean swing from the bottom left, hitting the snake right on its lower jaw. Meanwhile, he can still sense Virgil’s cowering energy from behind him.

“What do I do...?” Virgil stutters, grunting a little. Remus scoffs in response.

“What do ya think? Snap him out of it!” The snake recoils from Remus’s previous hit, snapping its mouth straight for his torso which Remus is just able to avoid by jumping over its head.

“But how?! I-” Reaching the other side of the snake’s immense body, Remus lets out an annoyed and exaggerated sigh.

“Ugh, come on! You two deal with this stuff all the time!”

_Minus the giant-ass snake part._

It comes back for another bite; though the only thing its mouth’s gonna taste, is the sweet metal handle of Remus’s favorite weapon. Keeping the snake at bay, Virgil manages to sneak past towards Janus while clutching onto his purple-dyed wounded shoulder. Remus then sees Virgil defensively holding his hands up in front of Janus, trying to talk some sense into him. Apparently Remus’s peeping might’ve ended up working in the snake’s favor, as it gradually wins ground and Remus starts being driven into a corner.

“Sorry pal, no dessert for you!” Remus exclaims, pulling his Morningstar back in a downwards motion to stomp his mouth shut with his foot. Now the hardest part, to just hold on with enough concentrated energy…

“Remus, wait!”

…And it’s gone. The snake slips out from under him, slamming its head against Remus’s chin. As a result, he is smashed into the wall behind him; pretty sure he can hear a rib or two cracking.

“WHAT?!” he angrily shouts in Virgil’s direction.

“You’re hurting him!”

“Yeah, that the _point_!”

“No! I mean, they’re connected,” Virgil continues, moving slightly out of the way to allow Remus a peek. And indeed, exactly in Janus’s face and near his mouth, more yellow essence was gushing out and bruises had appeared all over his neck.

_… Shit!_

_Don’t lose focus. Just switch strategy._

Throwing his Morningstar to the side, Remus ruffles his hands behind his back after which he summons a meter-long metal chain. Tightening the chain in both his hands, he shakes his head wildly and then locks his eyes with the snake again.

“Alright, change of plans snake boy!”

Holding the chains in his right hand, he makes a circling motion to swing the chains right around the snake’s neck. Catching it with his other hand, he crosses the two ends of the chains over each other to run around the snake’s backside. Jumping on his back, he tugs on the chains as hard as he can and forces the snake on the ground. The beast struggles and snarls viciously, biting around him mindlessly.

“Hurry up, Vee!” Remus yells, glancing over at the two in the other corner. He can barely distinguish Virgil’s voice from the snake’s hissing.

“…breathe, okay? Breathe in for four…”

_They’re doing the breathing thing, fine. Whatever works, just be quick._

_…Huh?_

For some reason, restrained under the chains, the snake slowly but surely stops resisting. Pacing along with Virgil’s voice, the creature gradually stops its twitching and even the hissing appears to settle down. The back end of its tail instead carefully slithers Remus’s way. Out of habit Remus is close to smashing the tail off him, only to find it wrapping itself around his torso delicately. As if it’s trying to keep him secure.

_What’s it trying to do?_


	2. Your New Way of Knowing

“Hurry up, Vee!”

Alright, there rests Virgil no other choice. Still holding onto Janus’s shoulders, he knows he has to grab his hand again.

_“Don’t touch me.”_

Even though he hates being touched, especially on his skin. But he isn’t getting through to him any other way. Just remember to breathe, walk him through it like Janus used to do with him.

“Hey, hey. We’re going to breathe, okay? Breathe in for four…”

Despite Janus’s eyes still glowing yellow, Virgil tries to catch his gaze anyway while he slowly releases his left hand to move to Janus’s left hand.

For his own sake as much as Janus’s, Virgil breathes in with him. Paying close attention to Janus’s chest, he notices a minimal movement indicating he inhaled.

_Okay, good._

_Now grab his hand._

Clasping his hand firmly, Virgil feels a bunch of loose scales flowing between his fingers along with essence. It’s both sticky and rough to the touch; though he has little time to worry about that. Janus’s eyes instantly break free from the yellow trance they’ve been in, only to change back into animalistic fixation.

Virgil wouldn’t say Janus has often scared him. Intimidating? Daunting? Sure. But more than anything, his own panic attacks are generally what frightens Virgil most of all.

That being said, the way Janus is starting at him like a predator ready to devour him, legitimately sends chills down his spine. He has to actively tense up his muscles as to not instinctively freeze up or retreat. Janus starts hissing loudly as he exhales again, some of his saliva and essence being spit on Virgil’s face. Breathing out as well to start over, Virgil refuses to break away from Janus’s gaze and quickly carries on with the breathing exercise.

“Again, breathe in for four. Now hold it in for seven seconds. Come on, you know how to do this.”

Janus freezes his expression for a second, his eyes still unmoving and fixated on Virgil. It’s the combination of hateful impressions those eyes give off, which makes it increasingly harder for Virgil to concentrate. 

_Stop looking at me like that!_

As if Janus doesn’t remember him, and all he sees is a prey. And everything inside Virgil screams to give in, cower and freeze up. But he knows he has to fight it.

…6, 7.

“And breathe out. That’s it.”

As they both exhale, to his relief he finally notices the intense stare written on Janus’s face faltering for a split second. Fearing he’ll waste his window of opportunity, he covers Janus’s left eye with his free hand as soon as he can get his muscles to start moving. Carefully but firmly, he pushes Janus against the back wall to keep him still.

This might be the clearest window he’s going to get.

“We’re gonna try this again, alright? Just breathe. It’s okay.” Virgil tries to speak as calmly as he can manage, all the while Janus’s right hand is clasping tighter around his arm and his nails are digging into his skin. As he feels some of his essence dripping along his arm, he’s not breaking away from Janus’s gaze. He continues looking for any sort of hint that he is getting through to him.

He’s lost all track of time at this point – the only thing Virgil’s focusing on is the breathing. For all he knows they could have been standing there for hours, or just a couple of minutes. 

When finally, throughout all the grunting and hissing, Virgil could swear he’s seeing Janus inhaling and exhaling at an increasingly slower pace. He’s releasing his tight grip around Virgil’s arm, his eyes are losing that maddening predatory stare and become glossy and tired.

“In… and out. Good.”

As Virgil speaks, he takes one final deep breath with Janus, and sees him finally relaxing his shoulders. Still relatively cautious, Virgil lets go of him. With one long exhausted exhale, Janus gradually slides down against the wall onto the floor.

_I did it. I brought him back._

Though his body leaves Virgil no moment to feel accomplished in the slightest. A wave of nausea and exhaustion, along with the sudden awareness of his fast heartbeat, make him tumble backwards a little bit. He would’ve even fallen backwards, if it weren’t for a firm pair of hands supporting him from behind.

“Aw Vee, you’re looking as pale as a ghost!”

Remus grabs him by the shoulders, peeping his head from behind Virgil to flash him a mocking but still doting grin. It makes Virgil realize the amount of relief he’s experiencing. If it wasn’t for Remus, that giant snake would’ve surely…

“I’m fine,” Virgil replies with a sigh. He looks down at their snake-like companion in front of them. He’s not able to catch Janus’s expression, as he has his legs pulled up near his chest and rubbing over the bite mark on his trembling hand.

Virgil can’t really fathom everything that’s happened, even now. Seeing his deceitful overseer tearing himself to shreds, then unleashing his inner beast to attack anyone around him. And despite all that, as Janus is now cowering in a corner…

_He seems so… fragile._

“I take it you defeated that… snake thing?” Virgil asks Remus, who is similarly glancing over at Janus with visible apprehension and awkwardness.

“Well, it just kinda gave up, I guess,” Remus shrugs in return, putting up his arm in that mocking-prince like pose he likes to do. Only this time, the snake from earlier has now shrunk considerably in size and wriggles around Remus’s arm.

“Seems it just wanted cuddles, didn’t ya lil’ guy?” Remus playfully scratches the snake under its head with his fingers. It slides back down his arm and jumps on the ground afterwards, wrapping itself back around Janus’s arm. The little head moves towards his snake hand and starts licking the wound, which Janus is still shakily rubbing himself.

Virgil knows he can’t leave him like this. As much as he feels ashamed of the fear he feels, wondering whether talking will lead to Janus panicking again, he needs to understand what just happened.

No, he _wants_ to understand.

This behavior… he’s never seen him like this before.

Slightly guiltily, Virgil glances at Remus from the corner of his eye.

“Sorry, but could you…”

“Alright alright, I get it,” Remus sighs, turning around and heading for the door. “I’ll leave you to deal with the emotional aftermath, way too icky for me anyway.” He gives Virgil a final pat on the back on his way. Virgil can sense the nerves setting in, along with the aching in his arm. An incredible sting travels through his shoulder to his fingers, and back. He becomes painfully aware of the bite wound he was inflicted with earlier. He clutches onto it for a moment, still feeling some essence dripping along his fingers.

Trying to redirect his attention, Virgil takes another concerned look at Janus’s current state. Here’s hoping he’ll be able to reassure him, since all he’s ever known of this stuff is from him being at the receiving end of it _so his actions now are just from memory and improvising at this point-_

“Hey, I’ll be just outside if you need me.”

Remus’s clear-cutting voice snaps him out of it. For a guy who claims to ‘just do with no rhyme or reason’, Remus happens to have an impeccable sense of timing sometimes.

“Thanks.”

Virgil hears him closing the door behind him, and sees that as his signal to crouch down with crossed legs in front of Janus. He can finally see his eyes now, which have mostly turned back to normal. Though still a little glossy, and focused on his hands. His neck still seems bruised from Remus attacking the snake, along with essence dripping from the corners of his mouth. His lips are trembling, and as Virgil sees him opening them he moves in closer to catch what Janus is saying.

“I couldn’t… see them,” he utters, his voice breaking and throat sore. Confused, Virgil moves in closer.

“What..?”

“The threads…,’ Janus replies quietly, “I couldn’t see them. I looked all over, I can always conjure them up freely. But then… nothing happened.”

Even by paying the utmost attention, Virgil has no clue as to what he’s talking about. Threads? He’s never seen Janus dangling around threads before. Maybe they’re things only he can see? Or maybe his mind is slipping. What is he supposed to say to keep him here?

_Just keep talking, keep him conscious._

“I… What do you mean? What happened to those threads?” Janus inhales sharply, his eyes widening. The snake around his hand hisses, and to his dismay Virgil sees its tail growing an inch longer.

“Everywhere, they suddenly appeared everywhere…!” Janus starts gasping for air as he talks faster and faster, and the little snake starts hissing and rattling his tail. “Strangling me. I couldn’t move, I couldn’t breathe, I-” 

_No way, not this again._

“No no no, don’t start. Calm down, you’re safe here,” Virgil tries to reiterate, the same stuff he’s heard Janus tell him numerous of times. As for the remainder of his speech, he feels like he’s just spitting out whatever comes to mind. More so in fear of letting Janus and his snake-beast get out of control.

“There’s nothing strangling you, take it from me,” Virgil attempts to reassure him. “Those threads are gone, they can’t harm you anymore.”

Janus breathes in and out, deeply, as he closes his eyes for a moment.

“You don’t understand,” he continues, his voice more steady but brooding. “I should have a hold of them, if I don’t have them here I can’t…”

He seems to stop talking mid-sentence, as if catching himself saying something he shouldn't. He covers his mouth, wiping some of the essence off and closing his eyes for a second. When he opens them again he finally looks at Virgil directly; shock is quickly written across his face. His eyes land on Virgil’s shoulder wound, and the torn parts of his sleeve. Trying again to repress the pain Virgil bites his lip, as he feels the muscles in his left arm trembling.

“Did… I do that?” Janus says as he scans Virgil up and down. Janus moves his hands towards him awkwardly, as if questioning whether to reach out to his shoulder.

“Don’t worry about me, it’ll heal.”

But Janus isn’t having it. The snake around his arm starts growing and hissing again.

“C-Come here, let me help you-”

Virgil feels he’s getting frustrated now.

_For fuck’s sake, Janus is the one that needs help!_

“Shut up, I’m not the one that needs it!” Virgil lets out in a louder tone than he intended, and Janus jots back for a second in response. Too aggressive? Man, he really sucks at this.

“You’re in pretty bad shape, yourself. Let’s just patch you up first, okay?” Virgil softens his expression a little, and Janus nods at him embarrassed.

“I’ll be right back,” Virgil replies, carefully standing back up and heading towards the door. He can sense Janus’s gaze burning in his back, but as long as he doesn’t stay out of the room for too long, he should be fine.

Remus is leaning against the wall next to the door’s opening, arms crossed. His head peaks up as Virgil peeps around the corner, leaving the door open a little.

“Do you have bandages?”

Remus tilts his head in response.

“Hmph, and here I was thinking I’d get something more exciting to do...” Remus holds up his hand, and with a whoosh of dark green dust a first-aid kit appears floating above his palm.

“I thought you might have had enough excitement for one night,” Virgil says, still feeling accountable for letting Remus get hurt in the fight. Remus stretches his back a little, floating the kit down to drop it in his hand. He sneakily glances at Virgil, handing him the kit.

“Nah, just taking a short breather and I’ll be ready for round two!” Remus responds, a playful grin on his face. Relieved he seems to have recovered, Virgil faintly smiles back. As he reaches out to grab the kit, his eye lands on a loose thread dangling from one of the sleeves of Remus’s outfit. Without a second thought, he grabs hold of it and rips the thread from the seams.

“Hey! Ripping off my clothes now?! ...If it’s me you want, you’d better rip off everything at once.”

“Shut it, I just… need this for something.”

Virgil sighs at his own embarrassing flash of inspiration, and tugs the dark green thread in his hoodie’s pocket. He flinches slightly, tensing up the muscles in his arm that is still not recovered from the snake bite.

“Looks like you need some patching up yourself, emo,” Remus raises his eyebrows at him.

“I’ll be fine,” Virgil just sighs, turning away from Remus and re-entering the room.

Closing the door behind him he walks straight over to Janus and sits down in front of him, opening up the kit. He hasn’t actually patched anyone up before, but it shouldn’t be too difficult, right? He picks up the roll of bandages and grabs hold of Janus’s scaled hand. It’s still soaked in his essence, some scales barely attached to his skin anymore from the scratching. But the wound already appears to be healing. Does that little snake of his have healing abilities, or something?

“You really don’t need to, a little birdy told me it’ll heal by itself anyway,” Janus protests, switching his gaze between Virgil and the little snake. Virgil grunts a little at the hint of sarcasm in Janus’s voice. The now shrunken snake is recoiling a little at Virgil approaching, but doesn’t hiss at him. It rather seems to marvel at him with some curiosity.

“Just let _me_ help for a change,” Virgil responds curtly, though fully aware of the hypocrisy as Janus pointed out.

As Virgil wraps the bandage around his hand carefully, the snake has moved his way up Virgil’s arm instead, all the way up to his shoulder where he got bitten. His expected reaction, especially after seeing that beast at full power, would be to throw it off of him. However, there is something about the manner the snake slithers, that tells Virgil the creature means no harm.

Quite the opposite.

It moves towards the torn part of his sleeve, where some of his skin is showing. Just like it did with Janus before, it starts licking his wounds. Despite the stinging, Virgil can swear he feels the wounds closing up.

“You should’ve told us earlier this little guy had healing powers, could have come in handy,” Virgil chuckles, a faint attempt to break the tension hanging in the room. Not that it seems to have worked. Janus frowns, numbingly watching as Virgil wraps up his hand.

“This doesn’t solve anything, though.”

Virgil can’t repress a sigh.

_How long is he gonna keep being cryptic and confusing?_

“Listen, I don’t understand what you’re trying to say. I don’t know what those threads are supposed to mean, that you kept mentioning. But you’re not in any danger anymore, alright? Besides, you’re pretty capable so I’m sure that-”

“…It was a sign. Because I’ve felt that you’ve been slipping away. Visiting _them._ ”

Those words hit a lot harder than Virgil excepted.

Well, of course deep down he knew Janus would find out at some point. He’s always hyper aware of everything, and naturally gifted at picking out lies. So he must have had his suspicions about Virgil’s little secret escapades to the other Sides.

“I imagine…,” Janus continues solemnly, “…they’ve been tugging at you from the other side for a while, haven’t they?”

But hearing Janus confront him now… he never imagined the guilt would weigh him down so much. A part of him imagines himself lucky Janus is in a weaker state; he would’ve surely angrily berated him otherwise for sneaking away without his permission.

Virgil cuts off the remainder of the bandage roll, tying up the end around his pulse quickly and retrieving his hands to place them in his lap. Fidgeting with his fingers, Virgil finds himself hesitant to look Janus in the eyes. Has his sneaking off, and Remus’s too for that matter, really been affecting Janus that badly? Has he known all along? Is that what he means, when he talks about ‘threads’?

An awfully familiar corrupted voice starts echoing these thoughts in his head. No, he can’t allow himself to fall into a state of panic now.

_Stop drawing attention to yourself. Calm yourself down for once._

Just as Virgil’s about to say something – anything – to get the echo out of his head, Janus inhales deeply as if readying himself to ease Virgil’s doubts in his stead.

“Those threads, they’re a way of knowing, for me.”

Janus talks slowly, taking shallow breaths in between, swallowing from time to time. It’s like he’s puzzling together his phrasing very carefully, and consciously. He sounds uncharacteristically… anxious. At the very least, Virgil feels he should be polite enough to face Janus directly as he’s confiding in him. Since once again, here he is relying on Janus to calm his nerves. By letting him spill out information he clearly doesn’t feel comfortable sharing, no less.

“The threads can reassure me that… you two are still really here,” Janus mumbles, shifting his eyes upwards to meet Virgil’s for a split second, only to quickly look down again. He inhales sharply before he keeps on talking.

“…Since you’re my responsibility.”

That’s a line of his that Virgil isn’t unfamiliar with. One he seems to love using, actually. So Virgil can immediately tell it doesn’t resonate the familiar sense of confidence and authoritative power Janus likely intended it to.

This kind of vulnerability Janus is showing, a part of Virgil’s instincts makes him want to break down Janus’s walls further. If Janus is supposed to be the responsible one, what is this cracking shell Virgil’s seeing in front of him? Or is it just another ruse, to entice him or get something out of him instead? Despite these sudden urges, maybe in an attempt to fight them, Virgil tucks his hand in his pocket. And grabs the green thread he tore off Remus’s outfit earlier.

“You keep saying that, telling us to rely on you and follow your lead,” Virgil finally musters up a response to Janus, trying to keep the slight annoyance in his voice to a minimum. Thread in hand, he grabs hold of some loose fabric of his hoodie.

“And to be honest, I really need that. But still, doesn’t that take a toll on you? Constantly keeping an eye on us, instead of yourself?” Virgil continues, tearing a black thread off the seams of his hoodie. Holding both threads in his hand, Virgil’s starting to regret his stupid spark of inspiration earlier.

Nevertheless, he keeps talking.

“Just…try to rely on us a little, too. We’re not gonna just disappear on you, or mess everything up the second you turn the other cheek.” Virgil grabs hold of Janus’s left hand. Dried yellow essence is still sticking to his scales, visible and tangible from between the bandages. His fingers twitch as Virgil carefully pulls Janus's hand towards him.

_This is stupid, not to mention incredibly awkward. Just stop._

“Like I said, I really don’t know what those threads are. But screw those, alright?” He lets go of Janus’s hand, which Janus hesitantly holds in place just above Virgil’s knee. Grabbing the green and black threads on both ends, he holds them under Janus’s wrist.

“We’re here for you now, aren’t we? You can see me, you saw Remus beat up- uh, tame that huge snake thing.” He starts tying the threads around Janus’s wrist, intertwining them as he goes. Remus’s thread is messy, slightly shiny in the room’s light and rough to the touch. His own is frayed, but soft.

“Let this be, uh, your way of knowing then. When you need it. So you have physical proof that we’re here for you, just like you’re always here for us. Or something…” Fiercely looking down, after looping the threads around his wrist a few times, Virgil ties the two ends together. He takes a look at his hand-made bracelet for a second.

_I’m such a dork, this is so dumb._

“So you don’t need to rely on those… invisible threads or whatever they are,” he stutters a bit as he lets go and places his hands in his lap again. “Because this is a reminder that you can rely on us for real. Just like this thing tied around your wrist is real. Look, I know this is stupid, but I-”

Virgil’s voice trails off as he finally looks up.

Shakily rubbing his fingers over the newly tied bracelet around his wrist, Janus’s eyes are watery. His mouth slightly agape, short breaths escaping as his lips tremble. Like he’s at the brink of tears.

Virgil feels his own throat getting dry, just by looking at him.

Then, it’s as if he’s ready to start laughing. Holding up his shoulders and hanging his head down a little, Janus lets out something that resembles a snort. Virgil doesn’t need long to tell his own cheeks are getting red, and quickly looks away from him. Though as Janus seems to have properly settled down now, Virgil can’t repress a small smirk of his own.

“Go ahead and laugh, then. It’s…”

When suddenly, a hand cupping Virgil’s left cheek completely throws him off. As long, slender fingers stretch out under Virgil’s chin, Janus’s palm feels cold but strangely smooth and soothing. Feeling the embarrassment wash away, Virgil redirects his gaze to look at him.

He’s never witnessed Janus smiling so sincerely before. While he gently tucking some lost strands of hair behind Virgil’s ear, a couple of teardrops start forming in the corner of his eyes.

And Virgil finds himself at a loss for words.

The silence between them lasts for a short moment, though it isn’t an uncomfortable silence. Rather, it gives an odd sense of relief, safety, comfort, affection. A whirlwind of sentiments that make it hard for Virgil to figure out what to say or do.

After about ten seconds pass – or however long, Virgil isn’t able to tell for sure – Janus catches on to the tears he’s barely able to repress anymore. His eyes shift downward, his smile falters as he awkwardly puffs and pulls back his hand. He covers his eyes with it instead.

“How pathetic…” he mutters.

“It’s not.”

Virgil surprises himself in how resolutely he can reply. He pinches Janus’s bandaged hand, still with caution but firmly enough. The little snake on Virgil’s shoulder simultaneously stops licking the wound, retreating towards his host by slithering across Virgil’s arm and disappearing between the bandages around Janus’s hand. Though instinctively startled by the creature wriggling between his fingers, Virgil doesn’t let go and slowly gets back on his own feet.

He motions Janus to do the same.

“You must be exhausted. I know I often am, afterwards. Can you stand?”

Janus doesn’t respond for a while, wiping some of the remaining tears from his eyes. He holds out his hand above the ground to his right, and within the blink of an eye, a cane appears in Janus’s grip. While still shaking his arm around, Janus supports his weight under the cane as he gets up from the floor.

“Please, I can stand on my own just fine.”

“Yeah right, come on.”

Giving Janus no time to protest, he pulls his left arm over his neck to help him stand up. Luckily his bed is only a few steps away. With a grunt, Janus complies in leaning on Virgil for support and makes his cane disappear. They’re able to reach the bedside without much trouble. As Virgil sits the two of them down on the edge of the bed, Janus pulls back his left arm to instantly fall down with his back on the mattress. He pulls his legs up too, not bothering to remove his shoes, and turns on his side facing away from Virgil. Pulling his knees up to his chest.

The room falls quiet once more.

Virgil lets out a sigh. He notices his breathing is pretty ragged, and his hands are actually shaking quite a lot. Even though he’s trying to process all that’s happened, he feels like he’s more and more dissociating from the whole experience.

He glances backwards to see Janus huddled up, his back turned to him, his chest slowly expanding and shrinking again. He must be fast asleep already. Turning his head the other way, Virgil takes a few more seconds to settle down his heart rate and take a few deep breaths. He should reconvene with Remus before-

“Stay here.”

Two arms wrap around Virgil’s shoulders from behind. Janus’s hands are fiercely gripping his upper arms, clutching onto his sleeves. Janus feels less heavy on his back than he imagined he would.

His breath is warm, Virgil can feel it tingling his neck. Before he has any chance to respond, Janus drags him back down onto the mattress with him. Out of reflex, Virgil pulls up his legs on the bed too. Leaving the two of them huddled close together. Janus gives Virgil minimal wriggle room by tightening his arms closely around him. Though surprisingly, despite the fact Virgil’s not so much a cuddler, he realizes he doesn’t mind. In fact...

Well, Virgil figures he isn’t really the one that needs it most right now.


	3. Empty Promises

“Stay here.”

Janus doesn’t understand what came over him, to lunge himself at Virgil like that. He thought he felt a small tug on his chest, the all-familiar feeling of threads pulling someone away from him. And the next thing he knew, he’s lying on his side on the bed with Virgil entrapped in his arms.

Good thing he’s facing away from him, since his face is blushing red from embarrassment.

“Okay, um…” Virgil mumbles in response. He doesn’t move an inch further. He lays so still in fact, Janus can hear his fast-paced heartbeat.

…Or is it his own?

As Janus buries his face further into the mattress and leans his forehead against the back of Virgil’s neck, the gravity of the whole situation finally starts dawning on him. He has let Virgil peer through cracks of his wall, that he swore none of them would ever get to see. Has he led Virgil to slip away even further? Or was that torment worth it to reel him back in?

Because torment it was. Sheer blind panic, as if Janus had lost control of himself and his body. And Virgil… how more terrifying it must have been for him to witness. Good thing Janus has a firm hold of him now.

_Good thing… I can keep you safe._

But does that honestly hold true anymore? Rubbing his hand over Virgil’s shoulder, he can feel the sleeve is still sticky from his purple essence gushing from the snake’s bite wound moments earlier. How can Janus trust himself to control, when he gets in such a state?

The more his thoughts dance through his head, the more Janus feels Virgil’s body trembling. Poor thing, he must still be reeling from shock. 

…Or is it his own body that’s trembling?

Unable to tell the difference.

To his bewilderment, Janus finds his throat becoming dry and his eyes prickling from tears. He fiercely bites his teeth together as his breathing gets irregular. He can’t afford to let Virgil hear or see him. Tugging at Virgil’s sleeves more tightly, his silent sobs soak the back of his hoodie.

Virgil turns his head sideways a little, in an attempt to look in Janus’s direction.

“Are you okay?”

“ _Don’t_!”

Just in time. Despite Janus regrettably letting his voice sounds more like a shriek, Virgil swiftly turns his head to face away from him again. As Virgil seems to tense up his shoulders, Janus bites his lip.

Too harsh?

“Just… keep talking,” Janus barely manages to add in a softer tone, without his voice cracking like before. While his sobbing continues as quietly as he can force it, he concentrates to direct the remainder of his attention to Virgil’s voice.

“Okay then. Well… first off, if you’re gonna keep the bracelet, you’re gonna have to use it in times like this.”

Virgil sighs, grabs Janus’s left wrist and carefully removes it from his shoulder. Grabbing Janus’s other wrist, Virgil guides the Janus’s two hands towards each other until Janus can feel the threads of the bracelet with his fingertips. He closes his hand over it instantly.

Rubbing over the frayed threads tied on his wrist, Janus keeps on listening to Virgil’s voice and instinctively repeating every phrase in his head.

“It’s a reminder, after all. So… just remember that you’re not imagining things. I’m here. Not going anywhere. And we’re safe.”

_Reminder. Not imagining things. Here. Safe._

Virgil falls silent for a moment.

There’s aching from Janus’s back; he senses that his other two pairs of arms have started taking shape in their non-corporeal form. Not having the strength to do anything to stop them, he watches on as the arms float to gently wrap themselves around Virgil as well. Janus is unsure why the arms are moving outside of his control, but finds himself too tired to warn him. As they are non-corporeal, they can’t do any actual harm when Janus isn’t consciously controlling them.

Just as the arms are pulling Virgil in for an even tighter embrace, his voice brings the arms to a halt.

“I don’t know how much I’m helping by being here, though.”

Inhaling deeply, Virgil grunts a little and sighs.

“I feel like I should know what to do to help,” he continues with a light stammer, “…’cause I should have learned from my own experiences…”

As he’s hearing Virgil talk, Janus feels he’s gradually regaining his composure. Aside from the occasional shudders, his tears seem to have mostly dried. Comfortable as the topic of their conversation can switch to Virgil now. His non-corporeal arms quietly retreat.

“Not to mention,” Virgil continues, “you know being with me for a long time can have a pretty bad influence on you. So, I don’t know. You don’t have to answer, but I hope I didn’t make everything worse.”

In response, Janus chuckles slightly. Always the worrier, this anxious little spider. _This might be the prime time to win some of his dependency back._ With his throat still a bit soar, Janus conjures up a response as composed as possible.

“…You did good.”

“I did…?”

“The arts & crafts skills need improvement, however.”

“C’mon…! I was trying something.”

Relieved to be able to smile again, Janus lets go of the bracelet to playfully brush through Virgil’s hair with his fingers. Tucking some more strands behind his ear, after which he grabs onto Virgil’s right shoulder loosely. His left hand, he drops it down on the mattress in front of Virgil. It tickles a little as Virgil himself rubs along the threads of the bracelet.

“I know,” Janus replies softly. “It’s very sweet. Thank you.”

Janus catches himself speaking before thinking, but in this case he notices he doesn’t mind much. Though embarrassing, as long as his self-pitying words can keep Virgil here, it’ll be worth it. Moreover, be it a matter of principle or odd sense of obligation, Janus feels like he should return the favor in a way. Give and take. Like he owes Virgil something. After putting him through all this stress.

…That’s not all, is it?

Admittedly, as a soft echoing voice in his head tries to convince him, Janus might want to use this reasoning as an extra excuse to get these feelings off his chest.

“I’ve never… felt like that before,” Janus spills out, facing his eyes downwards again – even though Virgil can’t look him in the eye anyway.

“Losing control, it was disturbing and frightening,” he continues, his voice trembling. “That I would be capable of something like that, it’s…”

“Yeah,” Virgil says curtly in return. “I know it’s scary. But it doesn’t necessarily change anything, y’know.”

Janus looks up for a second, tightening his hug around Virgil.

“I mean, we three have already been through so much shit together. We’re really not gonna think any less of you.”

_Won’t you, now?_

“Those moments don’t define you.”

Virgil sounds so self-assured, echoing a line Janus himself used to tell him all the time. Being at the receiving end of it, suddenly makes it sound a lot less credible.

“…That doesn’t change the fact that it ended up happening.”

Janus cuts through Virgil’s words sharply. Aching in his chest and head make him feel dizzy. This whole ‘moment’ shouldn’t have happened in the first place. _Listen to all this meandering and mumbling that’s needed to rectify the cracks in his reputation._ Janus’s eyelids are feeling heavy.

“It doesn’t,” he hears Virgil say. “But for what it’s worth, I’m kind of relieved.”

Janus opens his eyes again, staring into Virgil’s hoodie that’s wet from tears and some yellow essence left on his face and around his mouth.

“You almost seemed too calm and collected all the time, it was getting on my nerves…” Virgil chuckles, and Janus finds himself chuckling along.

“It means a lot that you were willing to show me the cracks in that façade of yours,” Virgil continues.

“…What do you mean?”

“You tell me.”

Janus grins, both amused and bewildered at Virgil’s ability to pick up whatever he’s learned. It’s a tactic not unbeknownst to Janus himself, as he frequently employed calming Virgil down. Others addressing your issues is one thing, but vocally acknowledging them yourself is another.

“I…I’m scared to lose control.”

His heart aches so incredibly as Janus speaks. Each word escaping his mouth leaves a sour aftertaste. As long as he remembers the end goal, _tugging Virgil to his side_ , he should know these painful confessions will be worth it.

“I need to be in control. I need to protect you, protect Thomas. I can’t do that properly if I lose sight of anything that’s happening.”

Janus grabs hold of his bracelet, rubbing his fingers over the threads and searching for the spot where both ends are knotted together. He buries his forehead against the back of Virgil’s neck.

“I shouldn’t… rely on others to do the work for me; self-preservation is _my_ purpose. I shouldn’t lose my cool. I shouldn’t waver or doubt. I shouldn’t-”

For a second, Janus swallows his words. He shouldn’t be saying this. Saying it would mean admitting to it. But he owes it to Virgil, still laying trapped in his arms. He owes it to Remus, fighting off that animalistic inner demon of his and still refusing to stray far from their side.

He owes it to himself.

_No, I don’t owe anyone anything. I’m doing this to take back control. I shouldn’t try convincing myself otherwise._

“I shouldn’t need the reassurance, from anyone else other than me,” Janus whispers with a stammer in his voice, as he unconsciously pulls Virgil in for a tighter hug.

“But I _want_ it. So badly.”

He hears Virgil mumbling in agreement. _See, those two final words were the extra emotional tension he needed to add. Nothing more._ Startling Janus a little from the sudden touch, Virgil holds onto Janus’s arms gently. 

“Well, you’ve said it before haven’t you?” Virgil asks softly. “Everyone needs to be reassured from time to time. Even if they don’t want to admit it. Hell, I’m pretty sure Remus for one is being so clingy for that same reason.”

Feeling Virgil wrapping his hands around his arms, the tingling of the bracelet around his wrist… This ‘opening up’ has left Janus so confused, all of a sudden. What has really been the driving force behind his ‘heartfelt’ monologuing? He hears the small voice of conscience echoing again, battling his manipulative instincts. The voice is prompting him with that one question. The one that he has been holding back on, for some reason. The one that has secretly been eating him up inside, as that persistent voice would admit.

_The one for which you need reassurance._

“Why are you pulling away from me?”

Before Janus had even finished the sentence, it seemed Virgil already knew what he was going to say. He lets go of Janus’s arms and pulls his hands closer to his chest.

“I was afraid to pressure it further, earlier,” Janus keeps talking, easing up his grip around Virgil a little. _He has to give him proper breathing room to respond, after all._

“But now… I need to hear it from you.”

Janus feels him inhale deeply, then swallowing before finally answering.

“I don’t know what it is that keeps me coming back to them, honestly,” Virgil says hesitantly. “It just started with curiosity, trying to get Thomas to notice me more, like you planned. To poke holes in their flawed and naive personas. But then… they started involving me with stuff. Like they wanted me around. Like I… belonged.”

It hurts Janus like a knife stabbed in his chest. What has he overlooked that made Virgil feel as if he didn’t belong? What did they say to him?

“And now they got me all confused. I don’t know where I belong anymore. If all they think of me is fear and anxiety, why do they keep bringing me back? Why does Thomas? How should I-”

“ _Don’t listen to them._ ”

Janus clutches onto Virgil’s arms again, tensing up his shoulders.

“You don’t have to listen to them. You belong right here.”

Janus frowns. They have been messing with his head too much. There’s a reason he has continued keeping the three of them separated from the others.

_They don’t understand the world the way we do._

And Janus doubts they ever will. For the time being, he needs to keep Virgil and Remus close. They need to form the front working in the shadows, confronting Thomas with the wicked ways of the world in order to best protect him from it.

That’s always been Janus’s responsibility.

Maybe, he’s been pulling Virgil in too deep. So deep he’s getting disgusted to see through the cracks in Janus’s walls that were supposed to keep him safe. _And he hates that Virgil sees it._ But it’s so liberating, comforting, and warm at the same time.

Janus tightens his grip around Virgil, becoming conscious of the bracelet rustling along his wrist. Unsure with what intention he’s phrasing his words, Janus utters the first sentence that comes to mind.

“I need you here,” Janus decidedly tells Virgil, leaving enough room for silence.

He needs to reel him back in, away from the others.

Convince him to stay.

_Use this humiliating and terrifying experience to its fullest, for his benefit._

“You wouldn’t betray me, would you..?”

For some reason, Janus feels the aching in his chest again as he said that. He’s talked like this before, why would it bother him now? He knows why, he knows he’s falling back into old habits by taking advantage of others’ weaknesses. But he can’t afford to lose him.

_Virgil will understand some day that this is for his own good._

Unconsciously expecting him to pull away from his embrace, Janus loosens his grip around him.

“You wouldn’t… take advantage of this moment, would you?” Janus continues, as the aching in his chest keeps growing more painful.

“You really think I would?”

Virgil sounds solemn, almost a hint of spite in his voice. Despite this, he doesn’t move from his spot on the bed.

“I think they might tempt you to,” Janus rebuttals, softening his voice as to not guilt-trip him too much. He has to phrase his words delicately, as to not scare him off.

Tell him in such a way he can relate.

“And as much as it pains me to admit… I need some reassurance.”

It’s not like he’s completely lying through his teeth. Everything inside him is urging Janus to keep Virgil as close as possible. By whatever means necessary. If that means speaking ill of the others, making Virgil pity him more, so be it. But Janus is also realizing it’s that voice of conscience that can’t help having him pour his heart out, wanting to know things will be okay.

Just like Virgil does.

So as long as Janus can keep telling that tiny scolding voice that he’s talking from their common need for reassurance, he’s not being dishonest is he?

_HYPOCRITE. THAT’S NOT YOUR MAIN INTENTION AT ALL._

“Fine. I won’t take advantage of you. I won’t betray you. Okay?” Virgil finally answers.

Janus closes his hand over his bracelet again, long enough to make sure Virgil would notice.

“This is real too, right?” he then asks suddenly, snapping Janus out of his train of thought for a second.

“What is?”

“…All of this. What you’ve been saying,” Virgil answers slightly awkwardly. “You’re not just saying it to take advantage of _me_ , are you?”

_YES YOU ARE._

“Of course not. I mean all of what I said.”

_LIAR._

“Let’s promise then,” Virgil replies assuredly, straightening his back a little.

“Promise me you really meant what you said, all of it. And I’ll promise I won’t listen to the others again.”

“Alright…”

_LIAR LIAR LIAR-_

Janus forces his eyes shut, cancelling out all his thoughts and redirecting his focus towards his voice and ears. Fine, if that voice is being such a nuisance, let’s give it what it wants. No feeling heartbeats, no playing lie detector. He won’t check whether either of them is telling the truth or not, just for a moment. Let the inner part of him speak, whatever part or voice that ends up being. Conscience or instincts. Because he realizes now there are parts of him he can’t deny.

The part that wants to feel this kind of warmth.

The part that was happy when Virgil tied the bracelet around his wrist.

The part that was sincere.

The part that wanted Virgil to stay.

Holding onto Virgil tightly, keeping his eyes closed, Janus waits for Virgil to inhale just for the both of them to speak at the same time.

“I promise.”

* * *

Those two sure are taking their sweet time.

Tapping his shoes against the wall repeatedly, Remus lets out another sigh as he turns towards the door. Virgil didn’t come out again since asking for those bandages and ripping a random seem of his clothes. The most frustrating part, he didn’t even go all the way!

Though admittedly more frustrating, is his sudden need to go check on them. Remus hasn’t heard any yelling so he’s guessing they’re fine. But he’s starting to feel left out, not to mention incredibly bored.

Placing his hand on the doorknob, he was instinctively ready to swing open the door with a bang. It takes him an immense amount of restraint to stop himself, and instead let the door slowly creak open. He’ll go easy on them for now. No real fun to be had when they’re all tuckered out from panicking.

And tuckered out they are, alright.

Before Remus had even opened his mouth to declare his entrance, the sight of Jan and Vee cuddled up together on the bed almost has Remus squealing a little.

Tiptoeing closer to the bed, Remus can see Janus clearly fast asleep, shallowly breathing in and out. Virgil on the other hand, the notorious loud sleeper, was laying still and had his eyes glossily staring at the broken shards of the mirror on the ground.

As he locked eyes with Remus, his face got immensely red. Grinning from ear to ear, Remus kneeled down in front of the bed to meet Virgil’s gaze at his eye level.

“Aw look at you two dorks!” he whispered teasingly.

“Shhh,” Virgil hushed him, “he finally fell asleep.”

“Left me standing in the rain outside, while you were keeping each other warm in here, huh?”

“What- I’m just-”

Then, Remus’s eyes land on a very familiar green thread now tied on Janus’s wrist. Along with a black one intertwined with it.

“If you wanted to get creative, why not just ask me? Geez, I certainly could’ve done better than that!”

Virgil squints his eyes and looks down, embarrassed. Through Virgil’s reddened cheeks, Remus could notice his eyeshadow has gotten darker. It does make Remus wonder what the two could’ve talked about. Oh well. If he asked, they wouldn’t want to tell him anyway. Best to leave those matters between the two of them.

Plus, Remus can’t deny the hilarious look on Virgil’s face when he’s blushing.

“Who’s a good spider boy?” he half-jokingly tells him, ruffling through his hair. And even though it does make his face more red, Remus can swear he’s seeing a hint of a smile appear on his face as well.

“Don’t ya think I deserve some cuddles now, too?” Remus grins. Virgil sighs, then turns to him with a soft expression.

“Fine, just keep it down.”

Flashing a wide smile at Virgil, Remus gets himself up from his kneeling position and quickly but quietly walks around to the other side of the bed. So lucky Jan’s got a king sized bed. Sitting down on the bed, Remus drops his head backwards and turns to lie on his side facing Janus’s back.

“I told you to keep it down!” he hears Virgil hissing at him.

“C’mon, Jan is a heavy sleeper, y’know!” Remus whispers back. But just as he does so, Janus goes on to roll on his back instead, groaning a bit as his right arm comes laying by Remus’s side. Now able to see Janus’s face fully, Remus can’t deny to be a little taken aback by the scratched off scales and lingering bruises around his neck. Not to mention the scars and dried up yellow essence on his right hand.

Virgil carefully repositions as well, lying on his right side to meet Remus’s gaze. They both hold their breaths for a second, though let out a sigh of relief as Janus seems to continue sleeping.

“Seriously though, thank you,” Virgil quietly speaks up. “If you hadn’t come, it could’ve ended up much worse.”

“Nah, don’t mention it,” Remus brushes it off. “It’s been a while since I had a decent fight anyway-”

His reply is cut short by Janus groaning again. His hand starts twitching, along with a shaky voice and heavy breathing. He swiftly tuns to his right side, pulling up his legs closer to his chest. Worried, Virgil tries placing his hand on Jan’s forehead.

“A nightmare…?”

Wasting no time, Remus pulls out his right hand and holds it just above Janus’s temple. Twirling around his fingers, a stream of dark mist starts swirling around his hand, arm and into his head. A rapid flow of images – door, hand, snake, scream, others, threads – starts flashing through his mind, making his eyes twitch a little. Paired with an acute headache.

“How are you doing that?!” Virgil asks flustered, still trying to keep his voice as close to a whisper as possible.

“Just… a little trick I learned,” Remus replies with some needed effort.

And there you have it. Janus’s pained expression relaxes, as well as the muscles in his body.

“You okay?” Virgil asks as he takes a concerned look at Remus, who feels his vision blurring the more Janus’s nightmare enters through him.

“Y-yep! As long as… we’re gonna blow off some steam in the Imagination… first thing in the morning.”

“Okay, fine, deal.”

The whirlwind springing from Janus’s mind stops, Remus retracts his hand and breathes out a long sigh. Janus settles down, his breathing returning to normal as he goes back into his quiet unmoving state of sleep. Honestly, Remus has lost count how many times they’ve needed to check in the past if he was still breathing.

“How about you head off to Dream Land, too?” Remus grins at Virgil’s direction, while playing with some wild strands of Janus’s hair.

“But what if he wakes up from another-”

“I’ll keep an eye socket out for him, don’t you worry,” Remus winks back at him. “I’m used to pulling a few all-nighters anyway.”

Virgil’s eyes twinkle for a second, as if he wants to protest. But the growing sleep in his eyes and bags under them don’t allow him to keep his eyes open for much longer. Tucking his head further in the head cushions, he lets out a last puff of breath before growing silent as well.

Remus leans his head under his left arm, watching as Janus inhales and exhales ever so lightly. Glancing over at Virgil’s hand-made bracelet, he almost laughs at the amateurish level of the design. But despite that…

Remus isn’t sure what made him hold onto the bracelet, clutching his fingers along Janus’s wrist and rubbing over the threads a little. He looks at Janus’s expression, serene and calm as he breathes, though now noticing the corners of his eyes are a bit red.

_You really had me worried there, bud._

But he’s fine now, they’re both fine.

They’re both sleeping, breathing. 

That’s all Remus needed to know.

He’ll just apologize to Jan tomorrow, for sneaking off.

After blowing off some steam in the Imagination; yeah, that’ll do him some good.

Remus feels his back hurting, remembering the moment Janus’s snake companion slammed him against the wall earlier.

But he’ll be fine.

As Remus keeps on tracing every seem and stray of the bracelet’s threads with his fingertips, he finds himself strangely reassured by it. Those threads of theirs are bound to Janus now, they can’t get clearer proof than this. And Janus will be reminded of it too, that they’ll stay connected no matter what. Some lousy naive little phonies won’t even have a chance of severing that bond.

This bracelet here is proof of that.

_Isn’t it, Jan?_

Now way Remus is getting any sleep tonight. He wouldn’t want to miss these rare nights together for the world. He finds himself humming along to the tune of ‘Come Little Children’, a song Janus has been singing to him for days.

Including the worst kind of days.

_Yeah Jan, you’re gonna be stuck with us for good._

_Don’t you forget it._


End file.
